Saturday, August 25, 2012

I am Remembered and Forgotten

        I was looking through some old photos on Facebook, and it really affected me. I was thinking about how most of the people in the photos probably don't remember me, but is it really that way? My friends from a few years ago remember me (I am talking about the ones I don't talk to any more). I don't know when I began to think I was so forgettable, or when I began to feel forgotten, but I don't like it. I'm not completely forgotten. Someone who was only my classmate probably won't remember me, but those who really mattered do. They sometimes even talk about me (in a good way). I realized this the other day when some one from 7th grade remembered me and said hello to me. I had never really classified him as a friend. I wanted to classify him as a friend, but we didn't talk too much outside of our friendship circle. Well, after my father's death, my friends, Sher and Danielle, told this guy about it. He told them he was sorry and that we used to be friends. It made me feel insane at the thought that he classified me as a friend. Yes, I know... This is insane. Why should I care if someone remembered me? Well, to me it is important. I have had so many amazing people in my life that I had to let go of for some reason. I have had many friends that I moved away from, or left for some reason. I am always happy when I figure out that I impacted some one's life enough for them to still remember me years later. That brings me so much joy. These are the kind of things that makes me happy for the rest of the day. :)

My Dad

        Once upon a time, there was a man who fell in love with his female pen pal. When she came to visit him, they got married. This man and woman lived there life okay, even though they were poor. They had three daughters. (One was only stepdaughter to the man, but blah blah blah different post.) The man worked hard as a security guard to help support his family. When the woman could no longer work as a RPTA, the man had to work even harder. He liked his job, but wanted to be something different. He wanted to be a teacher. He attended college, while still keeping his job to support the family. When he graduated, everyone was happy. He applied to schools every where, while working as a substitute. He was finally offered a job. The family picked up their things and moved to a completely different state so this man could have his dream job. Just as his life was beginning to be wonderful, tragedy struck. This man is my father, and the tragedy I speak of is blindness.
        He was not rehired the next school year, and couldn't work anymore. He had to go to a city across state to attend a blind center. He could not be with his family anymore, and he became depressed. While he made many good friends at the blind center, he still had that sadness in him. When he came back, he was happy to be with his family again, but his vision was fading more and more, and being with them was not like it used to be. He could no longer see them like he wished to. As time went on, my family moved, once again, to a smaller town on the other side of the state. My father wanted to go back to college, but no matter how hard he tried, he never was able to attend. After a few years, he was able to teach braille at my school, but just to those who wanted to learn. I could tell that this made him happy. I was glad.
        Just as he had something great, another sad thing happened. Renal Failure. Those two words flipped his world upside down. He had to go to dialysis at our local hospital three times a week. He was getting more and more depressed as the days went on. He couldn't see his family anymore, and he was being stuck with huge needles three times a week. He was getting sicker and sicker. He went on home dialysis and seemed to get happier, but it didn't change the fact that he couldn't see. Finally, a door opened and a secret came out. One so dark and sad, that I can't tell you. No one knows this secret, but my family. It was a long time ago, and he felt horrible about it. He hated the guilt, so he told a counselor and my mother. He was put into a nursing home, and I wasn't allowed to see him until it was cleared by some people. The last time I spoke to him, he was crying. He kept saying sorry, and he told me that he almost tried to kill himself that day. All I did was cry, and my mom took the phone and yelled at him for telling me that. I wasn't able to make him promise. I wasn't able to ask him not to do it.
        The next morning, as I was getting ready for school, a police officer came to our front door and told my mother "Your husband took a serious attempt on his life early this morning. He is currently in the hospital.". I didn't cry, because he had attempted suicide before, but this time was different. When I got out of school I was smiling, but when I saw my mom's face I started to cry. She told me he was in (a major city near by)'s hospital, and that he is brain dead. I had no idea what she meant by "brain dead", but I soon found out that he was in a coma.
        When I went to see him, I cried more than I have ever cried before. He had a neck brace on, and tubes coming from everywhere. He looked peaceful though. He didn't look like he was in pain. His eyes were shut, but I am sure he could see us then. We held his hands and cried. The doctor told us that he was dead for a minute or two, and the paramedics were able to revive him. His brain isn't working like it should. The only part that is working is his heart. It is still beating. As long as is continues, we can keep him on life support. The next day, we came back. The doctor told us his brain had completely stopped. On Thanksgiving, they took him off of life support. Right before he was taken off of it, his heart was still beating. He never liked to give up on anything. He liked things dramatic and funny, but his death wasn't funny at all. It was sad. It is kind of like he couldn't die. He was unable to. He fought against the death he wanted. His heart refused to quit until we were ready, but I guess we were never ready. We had to let go of him. He wanted it. What he did was a selfish act, but wouldn't it be even more selfish to try to keep him on the Earth when he hated each and every day. He wasn't going to wake up, so us leaving him stuck in a hospital would be selfish of us.
        I just wish I could have stopped it before he did what he did. I can only imagine what it was like. He got out of his bed and into his wheel chair. He rolled over to his robe, and grabbed the chord. He went over to the closet. He tied the chord to the bar, and then to his neck. His tears rolling down his cheek. "Sorry. I didn't mean to. I am not who I was. I love you, so I will leave.". He got out of his chair, and lifted his legs. The tears still rolling down his cheeks. I don't know if that is exactly what happened or if he actually said that, but I keep imagining that. My dreams of him consist of that. It makes me cry when I write about it. Every letter I type, reminds me of him. He taught me a lot of things, and I have many good memories of him. I don't want to remember him by his secrets and his mistakes. I want to remember him as the man who worked for his family, and the man who loved his family more than himself. That is what I want to remember him by.



Friday, August 24, 2012

Music.... (AND FRIDAY!!! :D )

        Happy Friday! I personally am a Friday kind of person. I love the moment my teacher says have a good weekend, because I know that I get to go home now and not have to attend the next day (Even though I still have homework). So, you are probably wondering "You are talking about school and days of the week... What does that have to do with music?". Well, the answer to that question is simple... Nothing really. I just wanted to great you first. :)
       I have music at school (I am very happy about that). Anyways, it always gets me in a good mood and that makes me want to listen to music. Music really makes me in a good mood. When ever I am feeling a bit down (even at school), I put in my ear buds and listen to my music. It puts me in a great mood. If I am at home, you can tell that I am in a good mood, but if I am at school, I probably don't look much different. At home, I will be shaking my head around and sometimes even get up and  dance (I am really bad at dancing though). Do you ever hear a song you really just have to dance to, even if you are bad at dancing? I am like that a lot... :D
       Okay, so the main thing I wanted to talk about were my favorites. I don't know how many people are like this, but I am constantly changing my favorite bands and songs. Currently, my favorite song is Radioactive by Imagine Dragons, but by this time tomorrow I could very well be in love with Love Love Love by Of Monsters and Men. I change my mind a lot because I am frequently searching for new bands to love. So, I am just going to tell you my current favorites. :)
  1. Imagine Dragons
  2. Of Monsters and Men
  3. Mumford & Sons
  4. The City Harmonic
  5. Avalanche City
  6. The Honey Trees
  7. The Killers
  8. Coldplay
  9. Paloma Faith
  10. OK Go
And my top ten favorite songs are:
  1. Radioactive (by Imagine Dragons)
  2. Six Weeks (by Of Monsters and Men)
  3. The Cave (by Mumford & Sons)
  4. Proof of Your Love (by For King & Country)
  5. Stomach Tied in Knots (by Sleeping with Sirens)
  6. Nothing Like You and I (by The Perishers)
  7. Last Leaf (by OK Go)
  8. It's Time (by Imagine Dragons)
  9. Liar (by Mumford & Sons)
  10. Demons (by Imagine Dragons)
Okay, so I have found ten of my favorite bands and songs. It took FOREVER because I knew that I loved some songs, but forgot who the band was... So, I had to look all over to find some of the songs! It was actually kind of fun though. I found some interesting bands in the process. :) Well, I hope this has some use to you. You may not have the same taste in music, so it probably won't be that useful to those who don't like my type of music.... So, sorry if it's not your type.. I should have a new post soon.. :) See you next time... 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

First day of School

        I know that I have already done a blog on school, I just wanted to tell you about my first day back. It was weird, because I felt like we just took a small break and went back to the same year. I don't feel like it is a new year at all. The only difference is that there are some new faces and some missing faces. I am a bit more shy, though.
        I am the odd one out. I don't really fit in with all of the girls in my class. I feel like they are all so cool, and I am... Well, me. I think I am cool, but I don't think they do. Honestly, I am fine with being classified as uncool, but I don't want to be the girl that they occasionally talk to. I want to be friends with them... If it is even possible. There is one girl who gets on my nerves, but I still want to get a long with her. Isn't that the good thing to do? Try your hardest and if you still fail, learn to try harder...
        Besides being virtually friendless and having my own disdain towards people, I am liking school. I like my new english/social studies teacher, and I am warming up to the teacher from last year. The thing I find the most difficult to handle is the students. The people I already knew, are basically the same, but the ones I don't really know, act completely differently then I think they will. Most of the time, their personalities are better than I predict (What does that tell you about my predicting skills?).
        Last year, we had our lunch period at the same time as the middle school students, so I could see all of my friends (I made most of them when I was attending the middle school attached to our high school). This year, I found out our schedules are very different. Since I am not very close to any of the other high school students, I ate my lunch alone today. I took my drawing supplies down and just drew (and drank water... I didn't eat any lunch though...). That was my oh so "wonderful" lunch time experience. I was able to go outside for a little while and have break with the middle school. I was very glad about that.
        The first day of school wasn't as eventful as I thought. The biggest things were all disappointments, but I am still carrying one, since it was only the first day.  I don't know if you have already started school, but if you haven't, I hope yours goes a lot better than mine. :) But, having a day like that just made me realize how glad I was to have my sister. I was released before her today, and I was still bummed about my day when we went to go and get her (Btw, she is a senior in highschool). Over summer break, she told me she would go to her school library and check out manga books for me. I had forgotten all about that promise. She came out, and handed me two books and said "Did you forget about the promise?"... I guess I looked like I was questioning what she was doing, but I was really happy (Even though they aren't really ones I like, but it's the thought that counts). :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Back to School

        Don't you just love the back to school season? Well, I don't love it (Student is typing this). There are so many things I dislike about it; waking up early, shopping in the crowded back-to-school areas (I don't particularly like shopping), Having to spend seven hours in school, and the dreaded homework.... I do like a few things though. I get to see my friends and there are a lot of really cool sales around school time (Especially on Post-Its!) (BTW, I love Post-Its). If you cannot tell, school is not my favorite place to go. I have a major love/hate relationship with it. I will love it until I get there, and then hate it by the middle of the day. As an example of this, right now I am actually excited for school to start (as excited as I can get over school), but by next week I will probably start wishing for summer break. I guess there are several people who are like that, but I wish I just hated or liked it year around. It would be a lot easier to tell people... :)
        Since this post is all about school, I want to talk to about my school supplies shopping experience. So, the salvation army gives out these backpacks filled with school supplies for those who can't afford them or just need help with it. We went to go get ours, but there was a huge line. So, naturally, I decided to stay out in the car (Luckily I brought my drawing supplies). I was quietly sitting there drawing, and then I would get bored. Then I would go back to drawing and get bored. So then I starting drawing my own characters (I normally copy off of references for practice). My mom and sister were in line for an hour, which means I was sitting in the car for an hour with no other source of entertainment! It is hard for me to entertain myself. (I was actually a little bit proud of myself for lasting so long with just paper, references, and drawing supplies... Since we are talking about me, this is a great accomplishment.) Then after that we went to Wal-Mart, which I dislike because it is so busy. (I hate the store from November until February, due to holidays.) The school supplies area wasn't as busy as I thought it would be, so I tolerated it. My favorite part was when I found the cute puzzle erasers. They had a pastry one and then the sushi ones. My sister loves sushi (and we had to split the package of erasers), so she wanted the sushi pack. I said that I would be okay with getting the sushi pack, but only if I get the fancy tuna and the rice ball. (If you don't what I mean by "fancy tuna', it is a anime reference. The real name for it is Ootoro. Oh, and the reason why I wanted the rice ball is also because of an anime reference.) Then, we bought the stuff and went home... I know, it wasn't very eventful, but it was a experience from last year. Last year I was really smiley, I loved school, I loved shopping (even if the store is extremely crowded), and I was so excited that I couldn't stay still. This year, I can wait until school starts, days are going by WAY too quick, and I really dislike shopping (especially when it is so crowded). I am almost the complete opposite of last year. (You will soon find out that I change a lot...) Well, I hope you enjoyed this post... (If you are still reading, then congratulations  you didn't die of boredom or something :) )

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Inspiration

        As you know, I love writing, but sometimes I need inspiration. When that happens I go in search for it...   Unfortunately, there is no map for that, and I get lost (BTW, if you can't tell that is kind of a metaphor...). I will go and look at some books, but I won't find anything. Then I will search the internet for something, but I won't find anything. So, finally I go to a television show... By the middle of the first episode, I have completely forgot the point of watching it. When the episode is over, I say to my self "What was I even doing before I started watch that twenty-two minutes and thirty-eight seconds of pure awesomeness?"... Then I have a sudden realization that I forgot to look for inspiration, and I had wasted an hour or two on the television show I adore. It was fun, but not productive at all. I hate when I do that, especially when it is an assignment for school, because then I have a deadline.
         That is just one thing I need inspiration for. I need inspiration to continue in school. I need it for my artwork. I need it to feel better about myself when someone attempts to knock me down... I need it for many things in my life, but when I try finding it in common things like books, magazines, television, or movies I fail at finding it (Most of the time... Sometimes I actually can find there). I just get consumed by what is going on the movie/television show/book/magazine, so I have now starting using quotes. I think that they really help me, because they are fairly short and harder to get caught up in. They really do inspire me, so I wanted to share some of my favorite ones with you. :) Here you go:
"Nothings impossible, even the word says 'I'm Possible!'"
-Audrey Hepburn

"The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique."
-Walt Disney

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
-Theodor Seuss Geisel

"Dwell in Possibilities"
-Emily Dickinson

(Had an interesting time looking for his photo, so let's just use some flowers C:)
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."
-St. Clement of Alexandria

I hope these give you some inspiration today.

Hello....... Who am I? And what is this?

        Hi! I'm Noel. You may be thinking Really? Another blog? How many do we really need???... Yes, this really is another blog. I, a crazy girl, need to talk, but there is never anyone to listen. My solution is this blog. I know that there is already a surplus in blogs, and most of them will be a lot more useful and funnier than mine. I feel like there could be some people out there that are similar to me. Those who need to be serious sometimes. The ones who feel like there is no one to talk to, so their last resort is to talk to themselves. (I seriously talk to myself sometimes... It is boring because if I ask myself a question, I already know the answer...) Okay, Okay... I should probably get to the point. This blog will be full of weird and random posts. The topic will vary. I am into a lot of things, and so it means that I will talk about a lot of different things... So, let's get started with this blog!
                              Hm... I guess I should tell you about myself and not just about the blog.
Me:)
        I am a high school student who lives in a small(ish... there are smaller ones close by) town. I love singing, photography, directing and editing films, drawing/painting (My specialties are cats and chibi), manga/anime, and writing. I live with my mom, my sister (Her name is Emily and she is 18.), and our cat Snickers (I got him because I thought he would be so fun to play with and be entertaining. I will tell you about him in a different paragraph). I am a bit of a clean freak because I have OCD... I also have to touch all of the corners to random things some times... Kind of like Monk (By the way, if you don't know what I mean by Monk, it is a t.v. reference). I love to watch movies... Some of my favorites are Mirror Mirror, Penelope, Tron: Legacy, and I am Number Four. I don't like watching (romantic) movies with other people, though. I feel crazy (Plus, my friends make fun of me) when I do because I always cover my eyes when they get all romantic... Childish? Yes... But really, why would people want to sit and watch two people make out? I don't understand.... I also love music (Who doesn't?). I love the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. Some of my favorite bands are Avalanche City, Cold Play, The City Harmonic, and Imagine Dragons.
        So, I told you I would write about my cat in another paragraph. This is it. He is an (almost) all black cat with green eyes. He is very mischievous and hates behaving. He is pretty talented. He can open up doors, and get his treats out of his box (I still have absolutely no idea how he does that one...). He is intelligent too. He likes going outside (Even though he is not allowed too). He is able to open the screen door, so he goes out quiet often. We finally had to just get him a flea collar so when he escapes he won't get fleas (Just a precautionary thing). I got him hoping he would be a fun cat to play with. He isn't... He like to scratch and bite... He hates baths and he poops in my sisters room just to irritate her (I kind of like the irritating my sister thing)... I was upset that he wouldn't play with me, but he is entertaining. He used to claw the back of one of our chairs and then it will fall back on him (It is a light chair and he never got hurt... We moved the chair so he can't do it anymore just in case...). Also, he will climb into our empty clothes baskets and jump up out of it to try to attack us. It is really fun to watch. He loves taking naps, and he will nap almost anywhere. We have this super comfy chair for our computer chair (not a normal computer chair), and he will come and sleep under it while I am on the computer. He will also nap in the dryer (If we leave the door open and only if there are clothes in it), in my suitcase (If it is lying open), in the kitchen cupboards, on the shelves in our closets, in drawers (but only when open), and especially on his red cat toy (It is like a cat castle thing... But it is made with plastic stands and plastic material). Here are a few photos of my cat: